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This is The 38th Signal, a weblog about design, coding, design, experience, design, constraints, cookware, and so much more. Established 2007 in Angola.

Hey, you! Wake up! Or else! posted by Brad Sep 27, 2007


Sleepers. Customers who signed up for free accounts, but never upgraded. In fact, their accounts have gone completely idle. You had them briefly ensnared, visions of dollar signs dancing in your head. But, for some reason, they didn't need or like your product. And they jumped ship.

Those bastards.

We have been thinking about how to wake these idiots up, how to snap them out of their drug-induced stupors. Why try to win a new customer -- someone with no preconceptions, someone who might actually like your product -- when you can annoy the folks who have decided your services simply aren't worthwhile? You don't deserve to be treated like this. After all, you have expensive toys to buy, don't you?

It's time to get even. Harangue these people. Shout in their ears. Harass and annoy them. Punish them for trusting you with their contact info, but not their money.

That's right, baby. Spam them into the next time zone.

Spam reminds these people that you're in the driver's seat, that you're not afraid to bring out the big guns. It says, "Fork over the dough, fools, or our relationship is gonna be nothing but a slow tango through a vat of marketing slime! We've got all the time in the world, and an SMTP server to match! Let's dance!"

If they still don't respond, pull a fast bait and switch. Tell 'em you'll cut the price for a little while. Then, two months down the road, they'll be right back where they started -- thinking you're product sucks -- but they'll be paying you, too. Now that's customer service.

So that's how it's done, kids. Profit at all costs. Your customers don't know what they like, so take what's yours: their inboxes, or their money.

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In loving parody of the 37signals weblog Signal vs Noise.